Ass-Recognition Software COMING to a bathroom near YOU!

Brace yourselves. Hang on to the rim of your porcelain JOHN or grab the nearest port-a-potty. If you thought facial recognition was bad….prepare for ass recognition software.

haha. just kidding…kinda lol

But I was house sitting for a rather fancy family recently while overseeing the bathroom remodel. They were getting this fancy pants Japanese style bidet installed. The contractor and I had tended to have a few conversations since the project was part of a larger project covering the span of at least a week so yea, we got to talking and what not. One day he showed me a pic of the fancy buttons and the remote that went with the toilet.

“remote?” I looked at the ultra slim, ultra sleek gray and black device he held out to me. it looked like the remote to an amazon firestick.

“yea. you use it to change settings.” he said casually. This is where my mind started to wonder WTF.

“so… like when I press a button will the water temperature adjust to my prescribed liking? will the seat automatically rise and if the top was left up, will it slowly descend into proper position? Man, this tech shit is getting out there.”

he laughed easily, too easily. “not quite but the ones in the Japanese airport play music.” his partner laughed and nodded.

“wait a minute. the toilet plays smooth jazz the entirety of my shit taking at the AIRPORT? man…ass-rekognition software MUST come with the premium toilets at home. I mean, do they work like a BMW? like will it recognize my ass from my boyfriends ass and begin putting the lid down, adjusting the seat height, water temperature and play the smooth sounds of lo-fi music? That’s some fancy shit, man. pun intended.”

We all had a good laugh. But seriously…would you be okay if for the sake of utter personalization and preference if your toilet seat knew you and acted accordingly? That would either be some super fly shit or some super creepy shit.

I remember an episode of Law & Order SVU when this dude had gone around several public bathrooms installing tiny toilet cameras and was somewhere nearby watching people pee. When they found him, he said he had a strange fetish for urine and watching people urinate and defecate. GROSS! But I mean if the camera on on your phone or laptop can be hacked and big brother is always watching then who is gonna be out here hacking toilet cams for shits and giggles?

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