So there’s something you should know about me. I have some crazy, insane fears that I am working through. One of my biggest fears is losing my humility. Like for real, it’s a real thing. It’s almost a crippling fear. I cringe a little when a discussion comes up where we have to talk about ourselves. Do we really have to do this right now? Let’s just stick to names and move on. Say, how’s the weather? You heard that new OZ the Hitmaker song yet? Yes, I will join the conversation just as normally as anyone else probably would but inside my soul is cringing. I worry needlessly later whether or not I was boasting or being prideful. I relive conversations and moments in my head just to make sure. And for the record, I am never sure.
“Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.” [Proverbs 16:18]
Because I was taught that pride comes before a fall and also because I come from humble beginnings that have made me who I am today. Part of me wants to make sure I stay in touch with those beginnings so I can hang on to the grit that motivated me. The other part of me wants to show the world how good God has been and to shout Thank You to the Highest One. I’m a Gemini so maybe that’s the thing about me — the best of both worlds but I am having trouble navigating. To be safe than sorry, I avoid anything that even looks like flaunting or showing off. I hate posting pics and statuses on Facebook. I stopped wearing my nice watch and refused to drive my nice car. I even stopped wearing the nice clothes I had and refused to wear my hair long. Everything about it felt selfish and prideful to me. Fearing that God giveth and He can surely taketh away, I mostly keep my blessings and my business to myself.
“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” [Psalms 51:10]
Lately though, I am experimenting with a change of mind. Maybe somebody does need to see how God has worked in my life to give me the desires of my heart. What purpose does it serve for God to bless you and you hide his blessings? What good is it to have a light and put it under a blanket to keep it from shining? If I am pure at heart then how can what I do be considered boasting? Furthermore, whose opinion am I really concerned with, God or yours? God knows the intents of my heart so why should I care that what may pass as inspiration to one may be perceived as boasting to another?
Note to Self:
Humility is a thing of the innermost parts of ourselves. It comes from having a pure heart and a loving soul. No amount of materials or wealth or riches can change who you really are within. And being truly humble means to be fully true to yourself in service to God and others. To laugh, love, and enjoy life is not boasting. It is simply living the life that God has destined for you, for all of us.