29 days into the New Year of 2017 and already something feels really awry. I am not just talking about the political environment, no. Something else is happening inside of me and maybe you at this very moment. Stick with me as I tried to describe it.
The very beginnings of it started maybe two months ago. This sudden, very heavy cloud of dread started to form over my head. I noticed that I was more anxious than usual, more irritable than usual, and more frustrated that usual.
These feelings were not the run of the mill, usual feelings that are mostly fleeting and have some basis to understand them. No, these feelings seemed to have come out of nowhere and STRONG.
At work I was mechanically going through the motions but something felt amiss. At home, I was unsatisfied and hardly able to do anything because I was so tired when I got home, more tired than usual. I also felt confused because given my lifestyle, I would seem to be a happy person with minimum worries. I am married to a great husband, I was gainfully employed at a law firm as a paralegal making okay money, and living in a nice neighborhood in a rather affluent small town. Even at my job, I sat down in an air-conditioned office, rarely saw clients and had much autonomy. But something felt very wrong.
One day on my way to work in November 2016, the clouds of dread totally descended upon me. I began crying heavily and soon I was having a full blown panic attack around going into the office. I was paralyzed with anxiety and fear that I could not get into words but it felt like that if I stepped foot into the office, I would drop dead. The fear was so real that I decided I would rather die now so I insisted upon trying to jump out of the car while we were driving. My husband jumped into action to grab me, locked the doors, and pulled over.
All I was able to tell him between choked tears was that I simply could not do it anymore. Do what anymore, he asked? Life, I replied. I could not do life anymore. Not in this way. I crumpled up into my chair, hoping that my soul would leave my body, rendering me lifeless. I stopped caring about any and everything at that moment.
My husband became silent and began to drive. I had lost track of all sense of time and responsibility but soon, I noticed that the car had stopped and my husband was on my side of the car pulling on my arm for me to get out. We were at the Emergency Room at the local hospital. I don’t remember what he said as I was totally checked out but I assume he told them what he just occurred and that he didnt know what to do. They took me back into a room for me to undress into a hospital gown while they took inventory of my things. They involuntarily admitted me into a psychiatric in-patient program where I stayed almost two weeks.
Fast forward to the beginning of January 2017. My employer was nice enough to let me return to my job as if nothing happened and was very helpful to help me get back up and running again, of which I was grateful. Life was still going on around me. Trump was still president-elect and people were still mad about it. Future still had a number one song on radio play and I still couldn’t understand what he was saying. Time had not stood still. As I tried to settle back into the swing of things, something still felt off. Each day I would come home tired as ever, frustrated and confused. A few days into the New Year and once again I had another panic attack about going into work. I would sit in the car and cry my soul out, hurting from a place deep inside that I could not put into words. At work, I was not focused as all I could think about was when I would leave and how I did not want to come back ever again. This kind of thinking and feeling was not conducive to productivity which made me feel depressed.
One day, I decided that enough was enough of feeling this unexplainable dread. Enough was enough of not knowing or feeling lost. Enough was enough.
I couldn’t even articulate what I had had enough of. I just knew I had to try something.
Simply going to work, coming home, watching the news, and trying to be present with friends was not enough. So one fateful day, I typed up my resignation letter to my nice kushy job and quit. According to my surprised husband and family, I quit without rhyme or reason. When asked why, I told several different reasons but none contained the real reason. The reason couldn’t not be articulated. To my boss I told her that I wanted to go into self-employment. To my co-workers I told them that I may be moving soon. To my husband and family, I told them it was because I wanted to be a housewife. None of these reasons were lies but neither were they the truth.
So why did I quit? And what do I expect to gain from quitting? How will I sustain myself or help bring in income for my family? These are all the same questions that others have asked me including my family, my husband, and quite frankly, myself. Stay tuned to the blog as I tell you my journey of self-healing and explaining the unexplainable. This will not be a story that is retold by me. This is the documentation of a story unfolding.