Dear Diary

Why do I journal? Why do I have entire notebooks full of my musings, thoughts, emotions and feelings? How has it helped me?

It helps me to see myself. Hear myself. Feel myself. My inner self. I can feel the growth, the awakening. It has become a very simple therapy session that is cost effective. I love it. I write just because of the release. Sometimes there’s a story, sometimes not.

Today’s story is calm. Peace. Serenity. I think I have slowly and finally found what works for me. At least the evolution of it. I wasnt really taught how to deal with emotions and feelings. Wasnt told how to understand them. No one to blame. Many adults still face the same issues themselves. But the solution isnt really an answer. It’s not a cure or one time fixer upper or even a lesson. It’s a lifestyle. It’s a committment. It’s an understanding. It’s a progression. It’s life. Life isn’t about solutions. Life is about evolution. Evolving. One of the most sensitive, integral facets of that evolution is our minds. The motherboard. And everyone is vying for its attention.

I know now that I can control alot more things in my life than I ever thought I could or imagine was possible. Just with my mind. It sounds very simple but it takes effort. For me, it took more awareness than effort but even that can prove hard. But you wont know how hard it was until you reflect back on it. I realized that I have climbed the rough side of the mountain. Didn’t know while I was climbing how rough it was because I was so focused on the act of actually climbing. I didn’t have the time or the energy to notice how far I had come or what it took for me to get there. That’s how this journey has been for me. I like to think of it the way I think any performer has to think critical plays or games. As a basketball or football player, when you are in the middle of an intense game and you are playing your hardest, you don’t have the time or energy to really notice the crowd or the scoreboard. You know both are there but for this moment, I am here. I learned to be here in the thick of it. Just be here. Writing/journaling is my gametime. It is my climbing. And life is the game. Life is the mountain.  So like I climb, I write. I be here. Regardless of the crazy or mundane going on around me, I fight, I win, I overcome this moment. Because life is a compilation of moments, right?

I know there are people out there like me. People who question their existence. People who see the mundane and dismal as ‘this is it’? There has to be. I know there are people out there who just want to hit the pause or snooze button on life. There are people out there who feel that life is pasing them by. They feel purposeless, they feel drained. Washed up. Used up. They are tried of asking ‘what’s the point?’. Maybe they’ve  been to therapists and they are tired of the diagnosis. Maybe they grew tired of listening to motivational spekaers. Maybe they have grown weary of the hype. They might have noticed that it feels like life is escaping their grasp, seeping from between their fingers. Or they feel like they are forever in a whirlwind of news events, social media, and trending topics. Maybe they just want everything to freeze. Emotions. Feelings. Eveything.

That was me. I am you. You are me. We are them. They are us. The nuances of life seemed so trivial. I even grew weary of reflecting upon it. It only made me sadder. I thought, just as the ego wanted me to, that it’s because I am a deep thinker and this was the cross I had to bear. Heavy is the cross. I looked detachedly at the world around me and it’s participants and wrote everything off. I withdrew. In my withdrawal I went deeper. I asked more questions. I pondered more philopshy. I tried to answer all of those questions. I wanted tangible answers and solutions. Neat little answers. I grew more and more weary. Except now, I felt this urgency, this anxiety. It caused me to suffer until I had no more left. I almost or maybe I actually did, became bitter and resentful. But something inside of me told me that this wasn’t it. I was wrong. Not wrong in the sense of my answers were wrong but that I was not seeking the right think. I wasnt asking the right questions. Deep inside of me, I knew the voice was right. I felt that I was cheating myself. I felt at odds with myself. I knew what I should have been asking. I knew it. But instead I wanted immediate tangible answers. Afraid of the quest or journey into the real questions that have no real ‘answer’. Even the word question is made of the word quest.

I learned that in the most important cases, the questions you ask are far more important than the answer you think you are seeking. I learned to seek the question, the right question and the answer will be sure to follow. The real answer. The true quest. I learned that up until then, I was only asking questions that I already knew the answers to. I was fearing asking the question for which I did not know the answer so I never asked. I never wondered. I never embarked on that quest. I abandoned it. I theorized that the human brain is programmed to be our mainframe system where all things must be processed, approved and carried out. It was a solo system. Everything we know comes from it.  what we see, what we hear, waht we know, what we think we know. The brain thrives off of telling you what to do. It’s your manager. It needs to have control of you. Like the power driven manager in the office. So it’s only fitting that when you ask yourself a question, you already know the answer. Your brains pulls from it’s database of what’s already there. That same mainframe system. That also explains why your brain would shut out questions to which you truly have no answer. It consults no other.

But life is about asking those questions. Because we are not our minds, which are programmable, malleable, etc. We are our souls. At our core, we are our hearts. That’s where our true nature rests. But we are conditioned to live with our minds as our central processing unit, only relying what is already there. Never conferring with our soul.

I write/journal this to say that it did not take a trip to some far away land to see what needed to be seen. I didnt’ have to get a therapist to help me ask the right questions. They were there the whole time. I had to really be in tune with myself to recognize this. Journaling was how I was able to see through the fog and voyage into the quest of my soul.

 

 

 

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