Parties are heralded as the one of the sure symbols of fun and happiness for all. Whomp. That’s such a blanket statement. I am your typical introvert when it comes to socially interacting at parties. I am not stimulated by them. And for the longest time, I would feel so bad admitting that and worse, having to explain that to people. You can imagine what kinds of looks I got. Dirty. You can imagine what kind of names I was called. I won’t list them here. So for society’s sake, I tried. Hard. Allow me to tell thee all the ways in which I screwed up. Lessons learned:
#1:Never turn down the first shot. (Just get it over with already)
Going to a party where there is alcohol, you are expected to take at least one shot. The excuse of, “I drove here” will not work for the first shot rule. No matter if you flew a private jet there or drove your parents nice luxury car, there is no excuse for not taking that first shot. I mean people may still pressure you to take additional shots later of which you may reasonably turn down, but that first shot is crucial. The one exception: If it is widely known that you are a virgin to alcohol and simply have not drunk and will not drink. If you have a record of having let an alcoholic beverage graze your lips, you cannot use this claim as an exception. In doing so, you WILL be called out. Trust me.
#2: NEVER, I mean NEVER fake toast with an empty glass.
Uhh, don’t know why this is so important but yea, just don’t toast at all. Bad luck, maybe? Taboo? I don’t know, but just don’t do it.
#3: If you are not hosting the party, in the words of one of my friends, “Don’t be a b*tch about it”
Meaning, if the beer selection is Miller High Life and you’re one of those “pinky in the air” types….”Don’t be a b*tch about it”. If Burnett’s or Evan Williams does not meet your fine taste requirements, “Don’t be a b*tch about it” No one likes that person that is always verbally critical at parties. If you don’t like, just don’t drink it; the rest of us don’t have to know about it. I am personally very selective about which alcohols I like or don’t like, will or wont drink but for the sake of everybody else at the party and especially for the sake of the host, I will not say so. I quietly tuck my pinky down and either drink up or pass.
#4: Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT bring your own form of private personal entertainment if it cannot be shared by all.
I had to party foul several times in order to really learn this lesson. This even applies to BOOKS. I didn’t think it was offensive or weird but apparently people are annoyed by those who chose to read during a party or play some game on their phone, mindless of their surroundings.
#5: Bail out, openly.
If you’re that phantom party person like I am, who sneaks out the bathroom window at parties, or makes a break for it when you think no one is looking, this party foul is just for you. PEOPLE NOTICE. Your invisible cloak you borrowed from Harry Potter does not shield your absence. Simply announce your departure. Keep it simple and direct so you won’t have to fumble around giving lame excuses. Kiss the host, tell a few people you are leaving, and thank them for inviting you. Done. Now you can avoid the day after calls and texts asking what happened to you. Some people get offended and think you left because you thought their party was lame. Even if it was, that’s just not the best way to inform them.
Care to share more party fouls and party poops with us? Comment below!