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Time

“There’s a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance…..” Time. It’s really all we have. The one most precious commodity. The smartest engineers can’t make it and the richest investor can’t buy it. A positive linear progression. It can be traced back but it can only move forward. It is constant. Never stagnant. Never waiting. Unbiased, not racist, not sexist, it keeps the same pace for us all. Yet we waste it as if it were renewable. We waste so much time. Seconds tick away. Minutes slip by. Days pass unnoticed. Months turn into years. Years into decades. Time that we can never recover. It becomes lost in the sea of memory. I wasted time. Time I thought I would always have. I risked playing the waiting game. Waiting to see where my life would take me instead of jumping in. I stayed at jobs that I hated for longer than I should have. I dated men that I did not love longer than necessary. I allowed other’s judgements of me to raise self-doubt. I spent years taking classes that never interested me. I set aside my passion to follow someone else’s vision of a dream. I regretted yesterday and dreaded tomorrow. I would ignore today and find some moment in the past to live. Some happier moment, some moment to escape the present and avoid the future. You can’t run from time. It catches up with you. It will always find you. Running only depressed me. It made me tired. I realized that this was a race that I was never going to win. I gave up. Giving up gave me hope. It relieved me. It gave me a new mission. Instead of trying to run from time or trying to live in the past, I can focus on the present. I can be here right now. I can wrestle with the time I have right now because it isn’t going away. At this moment, I am living in tomorrow’s past. Didn’t I relish in living in the past? Didn’t I seek to relive yesterday? Didn’t I write the future off as scary and unthinkable? Somewhere on the time continuum, I am living in the past. This moment is the past. This moment has already happened. I am simply reliving it. Rethinking about time this way gave me a new outlook on life. I yearned to be cliché and “live with no regrets”. It sounded so simple. It was. Just live now. However I thought to change my past before, I decided to do it now. I quit that job that I hated. I found a new love that sparked a brilliant flame. I started living. They still thought I was crazy but only time will tell.

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